People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.