an airline just for babies.
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel