Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
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First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.