Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Choose your fighter
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.