[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
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[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.