The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.