ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
That’s classic.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
this post was so formative to me
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭