I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
constantly working on myself.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.