Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
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For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I’m so full I could puke a horse