My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
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me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet