a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.