The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
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Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
When you kidnap a writer.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”