It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You Might Also Like
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Wait a minute
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
No, I don’t think I will.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”