If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.