Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
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It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.