1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Happy Febuary everyone!
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If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars