@Robert_Beau

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

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@cherryzigzags

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

@lionprincessval

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

@Home_Halfway

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

@doktorj

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

@thisbrokeme

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

@TheSharona06

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

@JermHimselfish

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

@inigoomontoya

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

@CYComedy

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.