My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
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I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.