I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.