I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
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Horrifying if literal: armchairs
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I’m aging like a fine banana
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.