Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade