Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.