911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
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Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious