“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.