(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Monday
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU