(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
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My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
absolutely not
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I wish this was real life…
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I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you