Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on