@DurtMcHurtt I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
@MomOnFire Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
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@DurtMcHurtt 
@WilliamAder I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
@BacklineNurse there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
@RealCarlHardt Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
@liljonlovitz BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
@DanMentos “I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
@phranqueigh “You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
@topaz_kell When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
@mydmac According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
@jackiembouvier Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”