Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.


I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.


there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord


Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.


BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is


“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*


“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”


When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?


According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.


Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”