My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town