Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok