I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
You Might Also Like
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.