Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I don’t get marriage
Jogging
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.