I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
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Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.