Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
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If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Lol
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.