Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
jesus, what did this guy do
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.