That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.