I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.