I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”