Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
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Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong