My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
New tinder profile pic
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us