Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
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my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.