Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert