Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”


I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.


Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.


Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.


Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.


Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.


This girl wanted me to name her fake tits, so I named one “Daddy” and the other “Issues.” Daddy had a weird nipple.