Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
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You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I’m giving up for Lent.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?