My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
This girl wanted me to name her fake tits, so I named one “Daddy” and the other “Issues.” Daddy had a weird nipple.