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I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
A double negative is a big no-no.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.