*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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War & Peace
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
May never get over this
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead