[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
You Might Also Like
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood