Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
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early stone age tool
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.