Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
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My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Admin smashed it 😂
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew