We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Ah yes. The three genders
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me