Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.