To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
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Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Its true…
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
❤️🦆
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand