My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
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I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Coffee is ready.
Webb. James Webb.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I only treason on days ending in y
The internet is magic sometimes.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”