A sick whale is called an unwhale
You Might Also Like
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
The fall of Netflix
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Best table by far
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket